Thursday, 05 May 2011

• Rambling. Nothing important.

  Warning:  I'm just rambling here, so it'll undoubtedly be boring.

  
  The past few days, weeks even, have been somewhat miserable.  Good things happened.  I went to An Evening with Poets to recite my work and get extra copies of the literary publication Autumn Rain is featured in.  I was an absolute nervous wreck as I stood at the podium, speaking pieces of my heart and soul into the microphone before a crowded library of about 160+ people, but I survived it despite shaking from the inside out.  Actually, I think I nearly died.  Overall, it was still a great experience.  I had the pleasure of hearing some other poets share their work, some humorous and others very solemn but beautiful.  It was a good day.  There have been good days, but the bad days are starting to pile up to an overwhelming height.  They're rising into mountains of deadlines and concerns.  There have been days put off, missed, or simply forgotten.  Now those things undone are back to haunt me.  "Knock!  Knock!  Remember us?  We're due...tomorrow!"  I am losing my sense of time, thus my overall ability to function is going down the drain.  Usually, I have to keep going, going, going!  If I stop to rest, and god forbid, fall asleep, I'm out.  I've completely screwed up and won't awake until I've missed everything I had to do for the day. Three, four, or even five alarms won't affect me.  I'm not even sure what happens to them sometimes.  I just suddenly awake, look at the clock, and my heart sinks.  Another fucking day I fully sucked at.

  Today is going to be a busy one.  I have finals to take as well as one other exam, overdue work to turn in, and two class schedules to change for summer and fall.  It's amazing how much work I had to complete that I kept putting off, but I've managed to get nearly all of it finished tonight and will surely meet tomorrow's deadline with psychology class.  I can do it.  I've done it.  The final in algebra is over geometry, the last chapter covered in the book, so I think I can handle that.  If I can score well on one other test besides that one, I'm good.  I've made it to the finish line.  I should be ready to dive into summer classes having passed the spring term with decent grades. They won't be the grades I had hoped for, but they'll be fine.  English is a definite A.  Stupid Class should amount to a B, at the very least. Algebra, a C or B.  Psychology, C or B.  That's passing, but guess what it means?  It means I SUCKED!  Overall, I give myself an F for the semester.  I failed.  What I could have achieved, I won't come out even close to.  I have procrastinated and let exhaustion ruin any hopes of that.  Game over!  I'm in survival mode now.

  I have to change my summer classes so that all of them end around the same time.  If I do that, I can have about a month off before fall term.  I have to have time off!  I need to go somewhere as long as I'm not here.  I'm beginning to go crazy.  I worry too much about everything.  If it isn't perfect, it sucks.  It's counter-productive.  That causes a lot of stress and leads to other problems.  It's my whole problem...worry, anxiety, blah fucking blah.  It must end.  I have to change it.

  Anyway, back to work.  I still have a few hours left until I begin the chaotic day.

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