Friday, 01 April 2011

• Killing A Spider (Before It Kills You)

  Consider this scenario:  you’re sitting in bed after a hectic day, comfortably between the sheets and your blanket with a nice book.  All is right with the world when out of the corner of your eyes, you see something moving on the wall beside you.  You look closely.  An unexplainable fear overtakes you as your heart begins to race.  You’re shaking, wondering what on earth you might do to end the situation.  The moving creature on your wall is a spider, an eight-legged demon filled with wickedness, there to threaten your very life!  If you suffer from arachnophobia like me, you understand the seriousness of such situations, but what can you do?  How can you conquer these monsters when they invade your home before they kill you and your loved ones?  Have no fear!  I intend to show you, step by step, how to handle such battles.  By following my steps, you will surely be victorious, and most important, alive.

  First and foremost, it’s extremely important that you have quick access to at least four weapons at all times for the worst case scenario of a spider entering your abode.  You’ll need a bottle of insecticide as your main weapon for battle.  If you don’t have a bottle, I highly recommend you get one for each room in your home before it’s too late.  Next, you’ll need two items that are sturdy enough to cause the kind of damage that will kill the creature.  These could include shoes, a framed picture of an ex lover you’ve kept hidden away, a book, or even a baseball bat.  Remember, however, that whatever objects you choose to use could very well end up being contaminated with the gooey insides of pure evil.  If you cannot disinfect the objects, it might be wise to grab something else--something you won’t mind burning later.  Finally, you’ll need a vacuum cleaner.  Whether or not you use this weapon will depend on the kind of monster you’re facing.  With all these weapons in place, you’ll be more than ready to engage in a full-blown war with the demon.

  When seeing a spider in your home, the most important rule to follow is that you never lose sight of the enemy.  Gather together your bottle of insecticide and sturdy objects while continuously keeping check on it’s location.  If the spider gets away, the danger to you and the inhabitants of your home will be greatly increased!  Once you have your weapons in hand, stand at least six feet away from the creature to allow a safe distance for escape should you fail to make contact with it.  Keep in mind that anything with that many legs has the ability to move very swiftly, and some even have the most ridiculous ability of jumping!  Standing back at your safe distance, wait for the demon’s movement to come to a halt, if possible, and position yourself to launch your first means of defense.  If the creature doesn’t stop moving, the task at hand will be a bit more difficult, but you shouldn’t let it prevent you from fighting.  Now, with your sturdy object in your strongest hand, throw the object directly at the spider with enough force to nearly go through the wall, floor, or whatever surface the monster is on.  It doesn’t matter if the creature is big or small.  What matters is the guarantee that the object will surely kill the spider if it makes contact. 

  Once you’ve launched your first weapon, the spider will either be dead or running quickly for safety.  If it runs, you’ll need to use your second weapon immediately!  While the creature attempts to retreat, take your bottle of insecticide and spray it directly onto the spider continuously as you reach for your second sturdy item.  The toxic chemicals won’t kill the beast right away, so while those are soaking in, you’ll need to throw the second object in an attempt to finish it off, though this time, standing much closer than before.  The poison from the bottle  should disorient the creature enough that standing closer will be a safer bet than before.  By this point, if you haven’t killed the spider with the launching of your first object, you’re going to have to take the risk of being more up close and personal with it to ensure it doesn’t escape.  While still spraying rapidly, throw the second object at the monster with just as much force as before, and being very careful to make direct contact.  If you succeed, the spider will surely be dead and you will be able to begin the cleanup process.  If you miss, remember to keep your eyes on the villain still, spraying massive amounts of poison on it and throwing other nearby objects.  If the spider is one with countless baby spiders on it’s back, you will need to use your vacuum cleaner with the long hose attachment to suck the evils up, but remember to put the machine outside immediately after doing so.  They will crawl out, make no mistake!

  After following all these steps, your home should once again be a safe haven for you and your loved ones.  In the unfortunate event that the spider gets away, you should most definitely call an exterminator, pack a bag, and head to a friend or family member’s house where you can rest safely until your home is restored to its pleasant state.  Keep in mind that once an eight-legged demon escapes and is out of your sight, it isn’t at all safe to assume the danger has ceased.  Never underestimate the atrocious intentions of these creatures.  They will hide away, watching you with their multiple eyes until darkness fills the room.  They will wait until you sleep and crawl into your mouth, ears, or up your nose to contaminate you with their wickedness, and ultimately, bring about your demise!

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