Tuesday, 29 March 2011

• So Frustrated

  HEADS UP:  If you're sick and tired of hearing about my problems (though I really only have one), bypass this blog post.  You've been warned.

  This morning, around 5AM or so, I just laid in bed and cried.  I was feeling pretty rough, knowing I had a full day of classes ahead of me, and I lost it for a while.  I knew no matter what I done, there was nothing I could do to feel better.  I could take one medication I have in particular to relieve the smothering somewhat, but not enough.  I was miserable, and I still am.  The pain is worsening, and although I can deal with that, it lets me know that the problem is getting worse.  Yesterday, my nurse gave me a steroid shot, steroid inhalers, and wrote out my referrals for the lung specialist and asthma and allergy center.  It's past time to stop relying on general doctors to give me any answers. They treat "general" problems, and in my experience, make assumptions when the answers aren't clear to them.  Sister Joan, my nurse, said seeing a lung specialist is a must. She also told me I need to have my home tested for radon and mold (which is very possible since I have water damage) as soon as possible so that I can eliminate those two possibilities for my symptoms if neither are present.  I meant to stop by the health department today to inquire about the testing, but after getting up after only half an hour of sleep and still having breathing issues, I decided there was no way I could make myself get ready for class and go through a whole day of them feeling the way I was.  Before, coughing and soreness in my right lung were my biggest issues.  Now, I've been smothering for the past four days with the only relief coming from the Theophylline I've been taking religiously.  It's about 8:30PM at the moment, and only now am I starting to feel like I can eat something.  With the smothering, I've also been nauseous.  Most everything I have eaten the past four days has made me sick, and today (until now), I've been afraid to even attempt to put something into my stomach. The nausea is probably due to the added stress and worry, but either way, it just sucks something awful.  Mom is worried I could actually have COPD, one of the illnesses I was worried I could have months ago when she was convinced it was all in my head.  She, along with some other people and the failure of professionals to figure out my problem convinced me, for a short time, that I probably was going crazy with anxiety.  I believed it for a moment or two, but now, I know that simply isn't logical.  My life has been fabulous lately, minus this issue, and I am happier than I have been for most of my life. Sometimes, my right side around my lung and around into my back is even sore to the touch if I apply the least bit of pressure.  Just because a couple of doctors and one stupid nurse (not sister Joan) can't figure out the problem doesn't mean one doesn't exist.  It just means you keep trying, and most important, you see someone who specializes in that area of medicine.  I should have been seeing a lung specialist long ago, but I did need a referral which no one ever gave me.  Without that, my insurance simply will not pay for that type of treatment.  Now, they will.  Thank god.

  So I laid there crying, knowing I couldn't feel better, and scared to death I've caused myself some horrible problem that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life, and maybe even die prematurely of.  Sister Joan (she's a nun) doesn't think quitting smoking (though she said to quit and I will) will give me much relief since the problem is localized to one lung, but it's still highly possible that whatever the problem is, I've done it to myself.  With the reckless life I have lived in recent years, I am honestly lucky that I've made it this long without any issues.  Maybe now it's all catching up with me?  I don't know.  The best thing it can be is Pleurisy, I'm assuming.  It likely isn't asthma, since asthma doesn't occur in one lung.  It could be chronic bronchitis, though congestion really isn't an issue.  It could be a lot of things.  One thing is for sure, I'm not googling any of that shit these days.  No matter what I check out, ALL share the same symptoms I am having, so there is absolutely no way to read up on some crap and find any answers.  It just makes matters worse.  Besides, I don't need any information on any website to be scared of lung cancer.  Smoking and the problems I am having, alone, tell me that and a plethora of other things are possible.  Something as horrible as cancer is highly unlikely, but still, it's very scary.  When a few doctors can't even find out what the problem is, it becomes even scarier.

  Tomorrow I will go by the clinic where my nurse works and get a medical excuse for school.  My professors won't need it, but I want to get one anyway just so they will know for sure that I'm not just being lazy as far as missing classes goes.  My Algebra professor is such a soft spoken, chilled out lady who never complains.  Still, she has good reason to be frustrated with me.  I've missed a lot of those classes, and while I never do miss anything I can't make up very quickly, I still want to assure her that I would be there every time if I could.  I mean, if I were a professor and a student missed all the freakin' time, I'd want to know he/she had good reason before letting them make up their work, over and over.  Every single time I miss or roll in late, she says, "that's okay!  I'm just glad you've made it today."  Now, how's that for super nice?  She's a saint.  I'm pretty sure she's a church lady because she wears skirts all the time and no makeup whatsoever, but she's one of those genuinely nice church ladies.  Anyway, I'll take care of the excuse tomorrow as well as checking into mold and radon testing.  Mold causing my problems would be awesome, crazy as that sounds.  I could have it cleaned up, the water damaged wall repaired, and recover!  Pleurisy would probably be my next best bet.  I mean, even chronic bronchitis would be something that would stay with me, and I'd rather not have anything long term to have to deal with.

  I just want to be better already.  I'm so frustrated.  This has dragged on for so long and only gets worse.  I've had my fair share of health problems throughout my life, mostly psychological.  Now that I've seemingly beaten those, it upsets me so much that I have this to deal with now.  I'm finally getting the education my happiness depends on.  I'm being productive.  I'm happy and finding more hope every day, so I really cannot stand the thoughts of having something that will take me two, three, or ten steps back.  This can't happen.  It can't.  I want a fucking break.  I might not be the best person in the world, or anywhere near being that, but I think I deserve it.  I have worked too hard to feel well again, and I'll be damned if I lose that.  This has to be something completely treatable and temporary.  It has to.

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