Saturday, 26 March 2011

• Farewell Cigarettes

  
  I just spent a pretty good price on an electronic cigarette starter kit and two orders of refill cartridges for the thing.  The price was a bit steep, but whatever.  I have to quit smoking, and since I love them so much, this might be the answer.  I ordered regular full flavor and menthol cartridges, a starter pack that includes an extra battery, USB charger, wall charger, and five cartridge packs.  I also ordered a USB car charger adapter, so I should be good to go with this thing.  I know it isn't going to be just like smoking a cigarette, but as long as the nicotine cravings are satisfied, whatever.  Patches work, but every time I have used them, I've always started back afterwards.  Besides, they are horribly expensive for a box of only a few...a half a month's worth.  With this thing, I can hold something that looks exactly like a cigarette in my hand, see what appears to be smoke (but isn't), blow out what appears to be smoke, see the end light up, and get the flavor of whatever tobacco cartridge I am using.  Plus, when I think I am ready, I can start to use cartridges that contain less and less nicotine until I'm using those that have none whatsoever, at which point I can stop using electronic cigarette or keep on. Doesn't matter.  If I keep using, it will just cost me to replace the cartridges, which there would be little point in.

  Smoking sucks.  A while back, I wrote this big ass blog about how my breathing issues are all in my head.  The truth is, they're not.  People convinced me they were.  People nearly had me thinking I was insane and making up an issue that didn't exist.  Fuck them.  I notice even when I am having a good time or extremely tired, the issue is still there off and on, so no, it isn't anxiety.  Something is fucking wrong with me, and quitting smoking is a good first step in taking care of the problem.  I can barely stand to smoke even an ultra light now, my lungs are so screwed up.  That isn't anxiety.  That's a health issue which is physical, not psychological.  I almost feel weak minded for even allowing people to make me think I haven't been ill, but instead, have just been suffering anxiety.  Those people suck, my mother included, though even she is now worrying.  My friends say to me, "Marsha, you sound really sick.  What's wrong with you?  You sound like you have the flu.  That cough sounds bad.  You must be coming down with something."  No, I'm not.  I came down with something a year ago and it never went away.  Now, it's just becoming apparent to all of you.  You can hear it in my voice.  Thanks for not believing me until now!  So I'm soon to be done with cigarettes.  No more tar.  No more smoke.  No more of the other thousands of harmful chemicals they contain.  Nicotine isn't good for a person, clearly, but nicotine alone is better without all the rest.

  The truth is, this issue I have has made my mind wander like crazy, especially to the most terrible things that could be the cause of my symptoms.  When I think about the possibility of diseases like lung cancer and COPD, and then think about the fact that if ever I fell ill with something like that, I'd have only myself to blame, it kills me.  Imagine being told you have lung cancer and about six months to live.  Imagine hearing that shit and knowing you killed yourself prematurely.  Imagine thinking, "if only I had quit long ago, I wouldn't be dying now.  I wouldn't be leaving my friends and family.  I would still have a life ahead of me and time to achieve my goals."  Can you really imagine that? No, you can't and neither can I.  We can, but none of us who haven't experienced it can possibly know what that would feel like.  I am 30 years old in May, and due to many set backs, am only just now really getting my life on track and seeing the possibility of a much better life--a life where I've managed to get my education and have a career.  I'll be damned if I'm going to throw it all away just because I like to breathe in toxic smoke and chemicals into my lungs, lungs that already seem fucked.  I can't run without feeling like my lungs might collapse.  I can't go a day without coughing more than is normal.  My right lung hurts on and off, sometimes for days at a time.  I feel like when I breathe, I'm only breathing in to about 80% of my lung capacity--not so little that I think I need an ER immediately, but enough to make me uncomfortable most all of the time. Sometimes, it's even worse than that.  And because I feel this way, I am often so tired I can barely function.  I yawn excessively, and not so long ago, I had an episode where I couldn't wake up enough to function at all for about three days.  It was so bad that I went to the ER.  I wasn't even thinking it was related to my lung issue, but I went to see what was going on, and once again was told, "he thinks you have bronchitis.  Here's a script for some breathing medication and antibiotics."  My mouth dropped.  I can't wake up and feel like I'm on some drug, and you're telling me I have bronchitis?  Amazing!  The doctor had even looked up my nose.  I was so out of it, even he thought I was on drugs!  After about a day longer of that, I finally did wake up completely and resumed my life as usual, but it was scary.

  So to hell with smoking, marijuana included!  That's another thing I have always loved and never imagined would cause me any issues (not that I thought cigs wouldn't), and now, I see that I was wrong.  I don't think such issues are typical with it, but for me, it's a problem.  My friend called a while ago to ask if I had found any weed.  She has started to smoke it again to help with her Multiple Sclerosis (a disease it's pretty much proven to help the symptoms of), and I am the person she comes to when she is out.  I call my people, find it, and we go together and get some.  This time, I told her I would call if I heard anything, but that I myself wouldn't be purchasing any.  I said, "Laura, I can't breathe.  I'm not buying any more.  I have to stop.  If I don't get rid of this problem, I really am going to be crazy."

  "Yeah, Marsha.  There's something seriously wrong with you.  You probably should stop now.  You need to find out what's wrong and get better."  She replied.

  I have heard stories of people having similar issues who smoke cigarettes--stories about people who stopped, and those issues went away.  Maybe I will be one of them.  I hope to god I will!  Mom told me before she stopped, she stayed sick all the time and couldn't breathe either.  She saw several doctors who all told her similar things to what I have been told.  Once she stopped, she was fine.  It took a while, but she completely recovered once smoke free.  Some people just can't smoke, even those who are smokers for a long time can find themselves unable to handle it.  I'm done.

  I would always get so angry with people who told me I should quit, and really, I still would.  Smokers know they should quit smoking, so there is no need of anyone bitching about it to them (to us).  No one who smokes is so stupid that they do not know they chance getting lung cancer if they fail to stop.  It's a no brainer, so if you're one of those people who nag others to stop, you really should just shut up.  All you do is anger the person regarding an issue they're already educated on.  It's like nagging an overweight person about their eating habits.  "You shouldn't eat that much!  You're going to get fatter!"  No joke?  For real?  You're not enlightening anyone if you're one of those people.  Sure, you only care, but it's needless to nag about it.  I am only saying what I am saying about it now because...this is my blog, my experience, my decision.

  So again, I'm quitting.  I have to.  I always knew lung cancer was a risk, and now it's scaring the hell out of me.  Cigarettes, pleasurable as they are, aren't worth being told you have an expiration date.  I have smoked for about 13 years, and that is plenty enough time for the habit to start causing me major problems.  It's hard to think about it when you're healthy, but make no mistake, those years of feeling good fade away.  I should NOT be feeling this awful at 30.  I should still be feeling pretty damn good.

  I will feel good again.  I'm going to work on it until it's true.

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